This Sunday morning I snuggled my child, made coffee, had a nice long chat with my husband, sent my father a note, gave text props to my sisters, and answered a couple of emails. I looked into grocery delivery service for someone I think could use it and then realized they probably don’t think they could use it so didn’t send.
Yesterday I taped my hurty foot up and got to walking in the trees again. This time I noticed the man-made stuff cluttering my nature experience a lot more than the time before. I noticed rooftops, fences, signs about various hazards, signs saying private property keep out and generally a lot of kind of buzz-kill stuff in the midst of otherwise gorgeous green fluffy flora nature with big views, the whole deal.
“Why does everything have to have some health benefit or financial benefit or neuropsychiatric effing benefit?” I heard myself moaning to my friend Giselle the other day. “Why can’t I just do something because I want to and I like it and that’s it? Does it have to be thing?”
It took exactly twelve days for Ax to announce that having a camp-free summer was not as good as he thought it would be. Or rather, to let me know that he was complete with his camp-free experience and now was ready, for, camp.
My sister Rosie, before her visit, told me clearly that she and her four-year-old just wanted to “relax” while they stayed with us. What that meant, I knew, was that they wanted to chill, build lego, swim, eat healthy food, possibly beach, possibly hike. And that’s it. No sight-seeing, no parties, no plans.
If I really really wanted what they have, I could do what they do, is another option. Or a teeny, tiny little bit more of what they do might get me a teeny, tiny little bit more of what they have: different body, different income, different swagger in the world.
The last few days my anxiety has been up, way up, for no particular reason that I can determine. I mean, of course I can rattle off the laundry list of stuff going on currently that I could use as evidence to justify my anxiety — things are happening, life is in session, people are existing according to their plan, not mine, there’s too much plastic, all that.