It’s My Life/My Biggest Rock

People pleasing is out. Muse-pleasing is in. Bon Jovi said it: “It’s my life, it’s now or never!” I am so sick of living training wheels on, gutter bumpers up,  trying to be some version of me that will be more palatable or likable than I think I am as I am.

I am - wait for it - going to curse and talk about adult things and be me me right here, right in public, because it’s time and no one else can do it. And my kid, my ex, my mom, my dad, that frenemy from junior high, and all my peeps past and future — they can like it, lump it, or deal with it however they want. It’s none of my business what anyone thinks of me. So there. Bon Jovi and me. We just wanna live while we’re alive!!!!

And maybe you’re thinking, “Well who was the chick we were getting for the past ten years who sounded like you and said stuff about things in your life as if she were you plus knew things no one but you would know about you?”

Answer: I’m not sure. Answer: She was my then-best attempt at me-ness. She was perhaps the most me I could be, for me, at that time, given all the givens.

And by the way — I KNOW what I’ve been up to here. So you people who keep telling me what I’m doing here as if I don’t know — I KNOW. We are doing it together — you and me, we are evolving and growing and getting better together. You’re helping me, I’m helping you. I know it. I Don’t Want Feedback. Except, of course, gushing applause emojis or laugh emojis or, if it’s one of those boring muthafooking posts about stopping writing, a “keep going, Biatch!” is always appreciated (thanks peeps).

Anyway. So now we are getting real real. Real deal. What Are We Doing Here Anyway? We are old. First of all, if you’re reading this, admit it - you’re closer to dead than newborn. Me too. So what are we doing? What am I doing? What matters?

To me what matters - really matters - is (A) My health - mental, spiritual, physical. If I’m not on top of that stuff I’m just playing catch-up/dig out. This means breakfast, morning quiet time, plus a checklist of other stuff to get daily baseline go for launch.

(B) My family. This means actual showing up, listening, paying attention, connecting, letting them know me and trying to know them as they are now. It’s not just running around doing stuff I don’t actually want to do or have the capacity to do because I don’t trust that they’ll love me even if I take care of myself, even if I don’t do what they want me to do when they want me to do it and then feeling resentful and also drained. (This can’t just be me - give me a winky face comment if you know someone who does this kind of thing too.)

(C) The ripples I leave. This one is basically like, being a decent person, trying to leave the world better, use my talents such as they are in the direction of the good.

That’s it. The other stuff is gravel. It’s not the big rocks (search: Stephen Covey big rocks first). It’ll get done. Summer plans will happen. The dog will get fed. The dishes will be washed. Work will happen. New black leggings will be procured as and when necessary.

But what about writing that thing I’ll regret not having written? Clearly not gonna happen without some discipline. What about visiting family that live across the country? Inconvenient but important. I’ve suggested they move closer many many times but it’s not happening. I’ll keep suggesting it (they love that). But in the meantime, we call. We zoom. We fly. We make connection happen. They know Cali is my home for now. And I know they are East Coast. For now. For now.

I saw some Mel Robbins reel about the people in our lives who, when we spend time with them, we feel enlivened, and eager to see them again. And then others who when we see them on the calendar we wonder about if or how we can cancel. People who drain us or make us feel worse after we see them.

I felt kinda good about the fact that I don’t have friends like that in my life. The drain-y kind. None of them. But there are many people I know who I love and yet I haven’t connected with in a while.

There are seasons. It’s okay. And today - with you as my witness - I am committing to re-connecting with me, with prioritizing that and what matters to me most. I’m my biggest rock. I’m gonna keep going.