More Kindness Indicated

I used to think that if I didn’t drive myself to constantly do and achieve more I’d wind up obese, homeless, and alone.  That the only thing standing between me and absolute un-lovability was maintaining a certain level of “productivity” within a certain narrow sphere of acceptable endeavors — work, school, fitness.  That kind of thing. I didn’t think my ever-dissatisfied, pushy attitude spread to people around me — my coworkers, friends, boyfriends — but it did.  How could it not?  It spread to everything, animate, inanimate, whatever. 

Not enough-ness, not good enough-ness.  And that attitude took voice and the voice was Evie — the inner critic — constantly helping me remember that if I let up on the constant quest to “be good” or more accurately, to not be bad, then a life worse than no life  — an unacceptable life — would ensue.  It seemed endless.

And then I had Ax.  And I noticed that Evie was trying to help my child be “better” than he was.  And I read a book, “The Conscious Parent,” by Shefali Tsabary, and it changed my life.  

It said I could choose to do things differently for him, and that it would be okay.  Not only would it be okay, it would be even better.  Because really, when I think about it really, Evie has not been so helpful to me living this life as I am, accepting myself as I am, pursuing my interests as they are, expressing my full self, my “true” self, as it is. 

And when I think about what I want for my child, really want, beyond the surface, that’s what I want.  I want him to be able to be himself and feel good about it, or at least not bad.  To be free of the constant chatter of second-guessing, of this angry coach voice — You can do better than that!  What are you doing?  More! — like constantly walking into the wind, like dodging gunfire, just to get a sandwich or read a novel.

I want him to live in his truth, unencumbered.  Feeling loved, soothed, seen, safe. And I want that for me too.  And for you.  I’m gonna keep going.