The Desire to be Good

So basically the emotional unrest stems from the fact that I want to be good, and there’s some voice inside me — Evie — telling me I’m bad a lot of the time.  So it’s very discouraging to carry that voice around.  Like a harsh punk rock soundtrack backing up a tender bathing of a baby scene.  What the eff?  Why is that unpleasant soundtrack there and how do I turn it off?  When I think I’ve turned it off why does it come back?  

How do I get it off again so I can be with my life, as it is, and maybe even enjoy it?  So I can be with myself, as I am, and just breathe and keep going, in gratitude, peacefulness, and maybe even wonder from time to time?  

I know that to get through it I have to be with it and I know I don’t want to be with it.  So there’s that.  I also know that for me it doesn’t pass on it’s own.  I can swim in miserable music for years if I let myself keep fighting it, keep denying it.  

To get through it I have to forgive myself, forgive Evie, and notice the when, where, and why the volume turns up.  And then, after that, after I really see what’s going on I can turn that noise down and have a chance to appreciate all there is to appreciate.  For reals not just smiling and going through the motions style.  I’ve done it.  I’ll do it again.  I’m gonna keep going.