The Desire to be Good
So basically the emotional unrest stems from the fact that I want to be good, and there’s some voice inside me — Evie — telling me I’m bad a lot of the time. So it’s very discouraging to carry that voice around. Like a harsh punk rock soundtrack backing up a tender bathing of a baby scene. What the eff? Why is that unpleasant soundtrack there and how do I turn it off? When I think I’ve turned it off why does it come back?
How do I get it off again so I can be with my life, as it is, and maybe even enjoy it? So I can be with myself, as I am, and just breathe and keep going, in gratitude, peacefulness, and maybe even wonder from time to time?
I know that to get through it I have to be with it and I know I don’t want to be with it. So there’s that. I also know that for me it doesn’t pass on it’s own. I can swim in miserable music for years if I let myself keep fighting it, keep denying it.
To get through it I have to forgive myself, forgive Evie, and notice the when, where, and why the volume turns up. And then, after that, after I really see what’s going on I can turn that noise down and have a chance to appreciate all there is to appreciate. For reals not just smiling and going through the motions style. I’ve done it. I’ll do it again. I’m gonna keep going.