Emotional Tendonitis

My wrist has been hurting for the last week and it’s probably some kind of tendonitis from over-use.  I blame it on the chaturanga.  But really I do so much with my right hand, everything really, that it’s a miracle it’s kept going pain-free this long.  So the pain has gotten so bad that I have to stop doing what I’ve been doing and look at it, and maybe eventually strengthen other areas to help out that overused area, and maybe just give that area some love — some ice, some heat, some compression, some kindness, while it heals.  

It’s the same with feelings. When I’m confronted with a situation that activates a sore spot — a place where I am prone to pain, where I already have some emotional tendonitis — it’s gonna hurt. 

And I can address that situation with the same old feelings and the same old behaviors and basically try to ignore the pain for a while.  But like my wrist, which only hurt a little at the beginning of the week and now has me unable to pour coffee without zinging ouch ness, ignoring emotional tendonitis doesn’t help. So now, now I’m gonna switch hands.

How bad does it need to get before we resign ourselves to the fact that something must change if we want to feel better?  I know from my own experience and the experience of others that changing is worth it.  It’s better on the other side. 

But I still don’t dive into the work.  I still don’t greet pain, emotional or physical tendonitis, like a beloved friend or teacher come to help me find a truer, more delightful, path for me.  I say, “Fuck! Fuck you pain!  Why can’t I just feel good doing it how I’m doing it, how I’ve always done it?!?! Waaaaah me no likey change!!!” 

So maybe I’ll do it differently this time.  Maybe today I’ll be a better host, a kinder, more curious host, to this body and brain I’ve been given.   “Hello pain, what would you have me learn today?”

I’m gonna keep going.