The best feeling ever is the feeling of being connected to myself, and to some universal higher force, and to other people, animals, nature, everything — all at the same time.  Connected to my own body, my breath, the air that surrounds me and sustains me. Connection, connected-ness is that grounded, clear, even feeling.  Not jittery, not twittery, and not foggy sloggy I-just-wanna-blob-out either.  When I’m connected I feel even, unshaken by people and situations, strong, but not in a rah rah grrrr I’m-gonna-get-you kinda way.  In a peaceful-ish I-see-you-and-I-see-me-and-here-we-are-together kinda way.

I know it when I feel it.  And so do the people in my life, my son, my husband, my sisters, my parents, my colleagues, my fellow travelers.  I can tell they feel me, receive me, differently when I come from that place.

And I feel it, and they feel it, when I’m faking it, or when I’m not even close to connected but rather way way out in fear-driven, fantasy-driven, non-reality, non-acceptance, disconnected land.  In the land of, the headspace of, I want what I want how I want it when I want it and I won’t stop until I get it that way, get you to be that way, the way I want you to be.  

And the “you” could be anyone or anything — my husband, myself, the check-out clerk, my six-year-old.  Ouch.

And so of course when I’m disconnected from reality  and constantly efforting to impose my vision of how it all should be, should look, should unfold, onto them family time is not so fun. Plus it’s very frustrating.  

So one option, an option I’m seriously considering, a radical option, is for me to prioritize connection over specific external actions.  Let go of good intentions to fix, fix, fix it all and allow myself to simply be with my son, my husband, myself, my family, as it is, as we are.  What the heck does that mean?  We’ll find out.  

I’m gonna keep going.