Upavistha Konasana - Wide Angle Seated Forward Bend

The Universe has a funny sense of humor. The randomly assigned pose I get to teach my classmates tomorrow is maybe my most shameful pose. It doesn’t seem like that big a deal: Sit on the floor, legs stretched out to the sides in front of you, and then bend forward over them.

Thing is, I got the closed hips of steel, hamstrings like boulders, and a low back that’s been whining since the whole upward-dog back-bending incident. Basically, I’m not as flexible as a 90-year-old runner.

When the pose was randomly assigned to me, I asked the teacher what do I do if I can’t do the pose I’m assigned to teach?

And there’s my effing Yoga.

What I meant was, “Please give me any other pose but that!” Like, “Oh sheet I am going to bring shame on my house!”

Like, I know when I’m doing the forward fold, legs outstretched wide thing, but I’m pretty sure if someone were looking at me they might not think I was doing anything really but hanging out.

Like how could an otherwise fairly normal-looking person be that inflexible? Like, Yoga Evie is saying: “Ummm, you’re supposed to stretch the legs out!”

And little Wanna-B-Good but Feeling Bad Bad Bad Yoga Sascha is like, “Well, I gotta bend my knees or I’ll snap my hamstrings and this is as far out as everything goes without owies, and that’s what it is. So suck it Yoga Evie!”

And I really thought I was over all of that internal debate. I thought, with that last round of injuries or the last round of revelations I was really done allowing Yoga Evie to hang around trying to kid, cajole, shame, excite, whatever myself into doing stupid stuff - er inappropriate stuff - on the mat. I really did.

I thought that at least on that one rectangle of rubber, at least there I was pretty cool with my body and how it works and looks and feels, as it is.

It is what it is. I am what I am. I deserve to feel some kind of good here. Alive. Ok, I have a leg. Two of them. Sweet. That kind of attitude.

And I mostly was done with the other nonsense. On my own. But sheet. Showing it to other people? As if I have some something to offer? Sheet.

I’m gonna do it. But it’s a little scary and a little exciting. And also maybe pretty enjoyable if I knock off what I gotta knock off? I gotta just knock it off, this playing with thoughts that have no business messing with me on my mat or in my life.

Seriously. Enough. I got what I got and I’m gonna put it out there and see what happens. It is what it is. I am what I am.

I’m gonna keep going.