Evac Day One: I Choose to be at Ease
It’s too late to go back to give Cleo extra kitty litter in her box or grab the bananas that are perfectly ripe today, aka: will be overripe when we go home in a few days. We’re out. Evac’d. Ax is at his evac school campus and I’m at a nearby hotel, humidifier cranking, pre-prepared tortellini ensconced in mini-fridge, thinking about, while sort of trying not to think about, what I didn’t do or take or remember. My throat feels like daggers are stabbing and twisting in it, which is a new symptom.
My friend Glinda observed that in the weeks after yoga teacher training I seemed kind of at ease, content, in a newish kind of way. And that yesterday, after days of sickness and a weekend in bed and not Yoga-ing, I was, more like, and she didn’t put it in these words exactly, but she observed that I seemed, something less easeful, less kind to self, and more, like, well, batshit effing crazy.
Well, duh, Glinda. Yeah. If I immerse myself in the world of spiritual seeking and good food and deep thoughts and kind and loving body awareness and movement, and interesting people and community then ya, I’m gonna be more at ease. But no, it doesn’t stay like that. I don’t stay like that when all that external yay yay yay goes away.
I go back into my life and wonder if I’m a bad person, conclude I am a bad person, because once again I over-packed/under-packed for evac. Because I didn’t make Ax wear his raincoat. Because I haven’t neti-potted today and Eloise’s mom Jenna said that was key for all things sinus. Because the elderberry syrup doesn’t seem to be working. Because I need to have more faith in elderberry syrup for it to work.
But Glinda has a good point. Or, I’ll make a good point out of her observation that sometimes I’m at ease. I know where that place is, how it feels, how to get there. I’ve been there more than a few times in fact, and not only after actual meditating or watching the sunset over the Pacific Ocean while snuggling Mike or cradling baby Ax in my arms.
I’ve been there even in traffic, even while washing dishes with caked on barbecue sauce, even when various parts of my body were sending discomfort and pain signals to my brain. Yes, even then.
So the real difference between cradling baby/ocean sunset time and sore throat evac time is simply that in one scenario my default state is relatively happy, relaxed, and easeful and in the other scenario for me, right now, where I’m at in my so-called progression, is that I gotta choose ease if I want it. Ease and loving kindness to self are not the default.
Universe, please take care of my friends, my family, and my community. Please take care of me and help me choose ease and kindness to myself and others. Thank you.
I’m gonna keep going.