Yoga Teacher Training Day One: Find It, Lose It, Find It Again

So basically I was filled with shame and panic starting the YTT at my studio of choice yesterday, but I did it anyway and learned quite a bit, kind of a mind-blowing amount, even on day one, even after being on and off the mat for thirty - yup thirty - years, with good long runs of dedicated practice and good long runs of injury-related and life-related breaks. What I learned is stuff I guess I kind of knew, but didn’t, maybe, trust? Believe? Fully embrace? Surrender into? I don’t know.

Here’s some of what I learned:

1. I want to avoid doing stuff that’s damaging to me even if it’s really tempting, even if it’s something that seems like something I “should” be able to do. Getting hurt is not fun, really. And doing stuff that leads to that is not fun. Really.

2. I will be attracted to doing stuff that’s damaging, because I’m desperate to be good and desperate to be perceived as good.

My brain/Evie will tell me a lot of reasons why it’s fantastic and necessary and fine this one time to do stuff I know is not ok for me, it will override my truth, because it wants to protect me from being bad more than it wants me to feel good being me, as I am.

3. I’m not bad. I’m especially not bad because I have tight this, that, and the other thing, some plump around the middle, and a foot thing, all of which prevent me from making perfect-looking, calendar-worthy poses.

4. There isn’t a better prize, greater fulfillment, or enlightenment waiting for me if I can get myself into calendar-worthy poses.

5. I can, but I don’t have to, do this stuff the way I’ve done it in the past. I could do it in a way that feels much much better, or different, or more exciting, or more sustainable, or less numb, or less approval-seeking, or less desperate, or more confident, or more fascinating, or more ... me.

I get to figure out what that is, and I’m getting it enough to know, now, I mean, I’ve been through enough to know, now, that what I want that to be, what that is, that those two things are the same thing.

I want to be what I am, how I am. That’s my gold star, that’s my best. Me. No more, less, or different than that somewhat ever-changing, ever-evolving yet weirdly constant me. Reality. Zoinks.

Breathe into that. Today is day two. I’m gonna keep going.