I was explaining to my friend and advisor Glinda the other day about everything and how debatable and not exactly tortured but not exactly at peace I was about this and that like what am I doing with my life and is it enough and all the ways it could be different, more, better and what about Ax, and then there’s Mike, and also these other things and people and situations, and after a while of listening to me and my plans, dreams, and doubts, she was like, “Stop it!” which was actually much kinder than it sounds because yes, that’s what I needed to do and that’s what I continue to need to do: Stop it.
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop the churn, the second-guessing, the filling up of space with trying to be, to have, to do more, different, better than what comes naturally. Naturally, like, in the flow, the zone, the course of life, when I’m not heavy foot on the gas, pumping, pumping, go baby go!
Because inevitably, for me, after the gas pumping, the wheeee! of take off, momentum, comes the exhaustion, the soul-tired misery of “why am I doing all of this anyway?” What am I actually trying to get here? Where is my life, that sweet one, the one I really wanted full of connection and love and ease?
I’m lucky. Yes, very. I get to take care of myself and my family like it’s my job. It is my job. Today. And I’m pretty good with it. The hours are long, like 24/7, the pay is non-financial, the awards and accolades come in forms I forget to feel good about — an empty lunch box coming home at the end of the day, a smiling husband who misses me when he’s away, the warm feeling of knowing that yes, I helped someone have a better day today in a small way. There are no lucite blobs or shiny trophies to put on my mantle.
I am offering what I have to offer at this time in a way that works for me at this time given my circumstances, resources, and inclinations. At this time.
It’s a fine life, a catchy pop song life, not a major symphony life. But it’s mine. I wanna hold your hand, so call me maybe, everything’s coming up roses, if you want it you got it you just got to believe, believe in yourself ....
This meditation teacher at Esalen basically said the same thing, just kinda differently. He snapped his fingers at me, well near me, and said it didn’t need to be so hard. I could just decide, like, now. And be done.
As in done with that old way of being that false way of being that denigrating the magic of me way of being. Just stop it. And stop it. And stop it. And stop it.
And then, and then there’s so much more space to enjoy what there is to be enjoyed. Which is my plan for today.
I’m gonna keep going.