Day 19 / Day 50 - Please Forgive Me, I’m Not Ready for Prime Time
I’m alive, but I’m not fine. And I don’t want you to ask me if I’m fine or if I’m ok. Like you, mom of friend of friend I kind of know and haven’t seen in a while, don’t greet me in line at the grocery store with a big chatty, “Hiiiii! Are you okay? Is your house still standing?” Loudly, in front of everyone, as if complimenting my sweater and asking where I got it. Me, trapped, publicly.
Oh, yes, our house is still standing thanks for your concern. I’ve learned that’s not a great indicator however of who is okay and who’s not at any given moment. And I’m not okay, just now. I will be. But don’t ask me that now, here, like that. Please. Don’t ask me to reassure you or to feed whatever it is you’re hungry for.
And by the way what were you going to say if I’d replied, “Oh, no, we lost our house actually, it’s one of the hundreds totaled. And my husband and son didn’t make it either.”
What were you gonna say then?
So do yourself a favor and don’t ask if I’m fine, and please don’t ask my harder-hit friends if they’re fine.
Don’t make me reassure you, getting your mustard and your buns to cook in your house that has clean water and that you’ve gotten to live in all month long. We’re fine. We’re not home yet. You can’t imagine how actually not fine that feels. Even as the sun shines.
Just say, “Hi.” Or “Hi, it’s nice to see you.” Or even, “Hi I love that sweater where did you get it?”
Don’t ask me if I’m fine. Don’t you need me to be fine. I will be fine. I’m more fine today than I was last week. But I’m not ready for prime time.
I forgive you for asking. I forgive myself for being pissed at you for asking. I forgive the mountains for coming down on my friends and my town. I’m gonna keep going.
PS. Sorry dear readers for more anger and darkness today. Tomorrow is another day. And actually right now, after venting this, I’m ready to enjoy what there is to be enjoyed of this day. Which is a lot. And I can enjoy it, even if I’m un-fine. Love, light, French fries! xo