Evac Day 13: Some Days Kale, Some Days Bolognese

My dear friend Johnny said, “I don’t like to read your blog because I hate it when you have bad days.” I said, “Well, yeah, I have bad days, and I also have good days. Doesn’t everyone? Don’t you?”

He smiled. No comment.

“Actually,” I continued, “Most of my days have some bad stuff and some good stuff. Most of my days I can feel happy, sad, frustrated, serene, fearful, hopeful, excited, nervous, joyful, tired, lively, and a bunch of other things at one point or another. All of it.”

“Oh,” he said.

“And for me writing about all of it, sharing my experience with all of it, helps me remember that ‘bad’ stuff passes, all stuff passes, all feelings pass, especially when I let them pass through and don’t glom on, don’t get trapped in telling myself stories good or bad in my mind, stay connected to that higher plane beyond good, bad, happy, sad, where I’m just living each day as a gift. Staying connected to reality, real reality, to letting things be as good as they can be and as good as they are, right now, staying connected to my gratitude for my life, for this life, as it is, without needing to change what’s on the outside of me to feel good on the inside of me.”

“Oh,” he said. And then a pause. “I had pasta Bolognese for lunch yesterday.”

“Exactly,” I said. “Some days kale, some days Bolognese.”

And Johnny laughed, I’m not sure why, but I like laughing, even if it’s nervous laughing or laughing at me a little, or laughing with relief that I’ve gotten off my quasi-spiritual self-help-y soapbox. It’s all good. Laughing, any laughing, is some kind of release, and right now there’s a lot to let go of for me, for a lot of folks I know. I’m ready to let go of all of it and have the day I’m going to have, letting it be as good as it can be. I’m gonna keep going.