Bathed In Love

A while ago I wrote about that whole unconscious incompetence (babies), conscious incompetence (toddlers who want to do things themselves but can’t), conscious competence (people who can do stuff but need to think about it), and unconscious competence (the way adults tie shoes). It is possible, just possible, that I am moving a bit further along towards unconscious competence at taking care of myself, my true self, the one that is incredibly, unbelievably, imperfect. The one that is very, very, very, far from what I imagined I would be like when I grew up. The one that really just wants everyone to like her a lot, love her a lot, appreciate her a lot, glaring imperfections and all, gaze upon her with love eyes, wrap her in kindness, and let her wrap them in kindness, gaze upon them with love eyes while we love each other up as beloved trusted brothers and sisters bathing each other in love, patience, kindness, and compassion.

Everyone into the warm love tub together! Let’s all let each other be our imperfect selves in each other’s presence, offering nothing but appreciation and companionship! Whoopie! This life. This beautiful lovely life can be really rough sometimes for me because I am a human being with human feelings. I get disappointed. Scared. Sad. Lonely. Embarrassed. Shy. I can feel so misunderstood and unappreciated, especially by the people I want to understand and appreciate me the most.

And then it hit me. I’m so busy worrying about being understood and appreciated that I’m not making time to understand and appreciate them. I get back what I put out. I try to show people respect, leave them be, stay on my side of the street as they say. But I get into a helping mode a bit more than I’d like to. I mean to be kind with the helping, but kinder would be just listening and shutting the heck up. Telling them I believe in them, their ability to tackle whatever it is, to get through it.

I mean if I’m messed up in the head and I call you and ask you what to do and you actually tell me then I’ve got my own muddled-ness to deal with plus all your stuff too now. I might ask for input, but I’m pretty sure reassurance would feel better. I want plain vanilla love, not a new diet, a new organizational system, or a new link to a new self-help thing-y that is basically meditation with a new name, new price tag, and new proponent. Just listen, give me love, not advice. I’ll try to do the same.

And ps. I am not talking about you and that conversation we had …. You are perfect.