This is Me!

I had a revelation the other day that kindergarten was making me nervous. Nervous, anxious, whatever you want to call it when I start thinking that maybe I need to color my hair a little darker, or maybe lighter, get a new car, change up my look, change up my kid’s look, start a home-based business involving essential oils or artisanal stuff, improve something, anything. But now kinder starts today and we’ve done none of that and it’s okay. Oddly the anxiety didn’t target anything really kindergarten-related or Ax-related. Like I thought a bit about creating a special space for Ax to do homework or put his school stuff but it was obvious that’s not necessary at this point. Plus he’s so change-adverse I figured I’d let that organically happen.

I asked him if he wanted to get some new clothes for school, cool ones, or to go shopping for a new look, but he said adamantly that he did not. “I don’t want a new look,” he said, “I want my look.” His look involves mostly wicking fabrics as well as bold colors and motifs involving extreme sports, trucks, animals, or some combination of those. He pulls it off but it’s not what I would have chosen if I were a six-year-old boy. I would have gone more preppy. Just sayin.

Back to school for me always involved changing my look. I tended to favor high quality, high style items. Kind of a conservative junior starlet look, I fancied. My mom would take me shopping and I had a budget for the school year’s wardrobe that she’d help me apportion.

And we’d get frozen yogurt with fruit and nuts on it for lunch break and discuss the tough choices about how one rabbit fur vest equaled two tweed skirts plus that cardi. I don’t think I was much older than Ax when this tradition started. I didn’t get a ton of stuff, but I loved every piece, and I felt like my outsides reflected my insides appropriately. Looking at the racks of clothes I’d seize upon an item and hold it up, lovingly, “This is me!” I’d shout, and my mom would smile at my conquest. At least that’s how I remember it.

Lately for me it’s been tougher to figure out how I want to show up in a new situation with a lot of new people. There are a lot of me’s and it seems easier to go pretty neutral and comfy on the outside. When I was younger my clothes said a lot about who I was or wanted to be.

Now, what I wear is more about comfort and efficiency. I play with changing my black leggings, black everything uniform, but it never really feels right and seems too complicated. Maybe instead of trying to change my look I’ll just start appreciating it. This is me.