More Carbs Now
One thing is clear: I have no idea what’s up with you. I really don’t. Not in a modest-y, “All I know is that I know nothing,” way, or anything like that, but I am truly baffled by which posts get a lot of response including people calling me, which is awesome, and which posts just lay there un-liked, uncommented upon, trees falling in the empty woods.
I’m mostly baffled by the posts that gain attention. I kinda expect it when nothing happens, which is maybe a topic I’ll take to my therapist, or not. It’s somewhat useful to expect nothing, and then everything is a bonus, a pleasant surprise.
Of course that mindset is totally not an abundant-y, The Secret-ish, Law of Attraction-esque mentality. It’s more like old school Eastern European, assume everyone’s out to kill you or rob you until proven otherwise/do it to them before they do it to you. More of a life is nasty, brutish, and short kinda worldview than love is all around me. And more and more I do think love is all around me, but I gotta notice it and be somewhat willing to experience it, to let it land.
So anyway, it seems like people, more than just me, are thinking about death and what it means to be alive and what are we all doing here anyway and … my favorite, “Is it possible that it’s okay to just be having a nice time being a somewhat decent person much of the time and not really doing anything to leave some kind of legacy or Big Impact or major body of work?”
Kinda terrifying to think about letting go of the ambition, the fuel of my twenties and thirties, that hungry drive for more than what is and rest in the goodness, that buoyant warm sea, of what is. I’m not talking about see-sawing back to oblivion, to chips and Netflix all day every day or some kind of 24/7 hedonistic existence, but paying more attention to simply enjoying what there is to be enjoyed without quite so much worry.
Prioritizing what’s worth doing and then doing those things, rather than beating myself up or even spending one more second thinking about organizing Ax’s closet before school starts. Either I’m gonna do it, or not. He clearly could not care less. I made up some story about how it would be nice for him to start school with an organized closet.
But his closet is fine, and on the whole he’d probably rather I be in the kind of mood I’m in after yoga than the kind of mood I’m in after organizing. And then maybe we could go feed the ducks. Yes. Yes.
Yes, that’s how I’m spending this day of my life. Yoga, ducks, family. And maybe a burrito. I want more carbs and I’m gonna get them. Yes.