So, bottom line, it feels to me like Summer is coming to a close. Ax starts Kindergarten August 21 – a week from Monday, the day of the big eclipse, which is going to be a little odd for him perhaps to see the sky blacken at noon on his first day of school ever. But he’s the kind of guy who will probably just ask on Tuesday why the sky didn’t blacken again. Like, “Hey isn’t that going to be a daily show for my entire school career?” So I’m sad. It feels like I’m just starting to get the hang of this summer hanging out thing. We even went to the beach the other day after I picked him up from camp. We just did it – swimsuits, a towel, and us. No umbrella, no snacks, no toys, no prep, just go. We spent an hour or so dragging seaweed out of the ocean and popping the little poppers and then Ax karate chopped much of it into mulch while a few younger kids watched, impressed with his machismo I’m thinking.
The other thing that’s been happening lately is that a lot of people I know, friends of mine, and friends of friends of mine, are dying. Like this month a lot of people have died, which is true every month but this month it’s been a lot of people I know. And then other people I know have had near fatal or potentially fatal type things happen. And I don’t like it.
I don’t like that they are gone from my world, of course, though I do accept it.
But in addition to missing those people specifically, the reminder that I’m headed there too and I still don’t have too firm a grasp on what I’m trying to do with this life of mine is disturbing. I mean I can go for my spiritual type solution which is that the point is to contribute to other people’s well-being, which to be effective at means I have to have some of my own well-being to flow from. And that’s an alright anchor.
But like, on a day like yesterday, when I get lonely or existentially, then it’s like, oy vey now what? What do I actually do today? And I took a deep breath and I thought to myself, “Self, what do you need today to feel better?” And this self answered that I needed a bit of fun, a bit of life-affirming social time, and to take care of a couple of my own medical upkeep things.
So I got on that stuff and I didn’t feel better about the people who’d died or the fact that everyone I love will die or the fact that I will die, but I did make it through the day, and I did have a pretty good time of it. And that’s an alright anchor too. Having a good time while I can. I’m gonna keep going.