Centered in the Storm
What Ax likes: Scooter-ing by the beach, Downtown playground, Beach playground, Schoolyard playground, Other playgrounds, Science museum, Sea center museum (though not last week), Toy store visit (to add to his “wish list”), Hiking (ie: wandering slowly in nature), Feeding ducks, Swimming, Being at the beach, but not going to the beach unless scooter-ing is involved, Building stuff, Finding ladybugs, Playing with kids
What I like:
Walking fast in the forest, Walking fast on the sand, Going out to lunch, Playing tennis, Going out to coffee, Swimming, Chatting with adults, Dancing
Preschool ends soon and there’s going to be a lot of mommy-Axy togetherness time before kindergarten starts. Even with the camps we’ve got him signed up for.
I wouldn’t call myself terrified, but I am alert. It doesn’t mean I don’t value and want my time with Ax. Today kindergarten, tomorrow off to college or the commune or wherever, away from me, most likely. Which is as it should be.
These days with him are precious. And sometimes long. And these days with myself are precious too. And all the people I share this life with who I encounter who don’t like exactly what I like, and don’t behave exactly how I want them to behave, they are precious too. Just as Ax is, just as I am.
The little differences, the little disagreements, the micro-frictions, and even the seemingly big ones are so much less important to me than enjoying this time, my time on earth, and enjoying how different and how alike we all are. I forgive everyone for being how they are and I forgive myself for being how I am. Ahhh. I’ll breathe in on that one, and all the way out. What a relief. I don’t have to change anyone or anything at all.
Witnessing – yes witnessing – how twisted up I can get over whether we leave the house at 7:10 versus 7:15, or whether we wander slowly or quickly along the path, or which playground we select, has been the key for me to get out of that whole miserable way of being. Staying in touch with my me-ness, the true me-ness that is powerful, safe, loving, and kind is where I want to be no matter what.
It doesn’t mean I don’t start hustling us at 7, or endeavor to get us to the playground that doesn’t require driving across town through rush hour, it means that as I’m doing those things I’m also aware of the primary importance of being connected to Ax and to myself, more than the surface momentary subject matter. Staying connected is way more important to me than whether or not we get stuck in traffic.
So Mercury is going direct, and it’s time to let the clutch out. I’ve been pedal to the metal with the clutch in for what seems like weeks now. Spinning and burning with no movement at all. Me no likey.
And now, there’s going to be movement! There’s going to be change! Oh goodie/oh no! I can do this staying centered thing while living life fully and getting done what needs to get done. I totally can and I’m gonna. It’s 6:57 and I’m posting. Bam. Just like that.