First Things First

I had a bit of a breakthrough realization – I am very nervous about Ax ending preschool and starting Kindergarten. Not for him, but for me. His preschool drop-off is 7:30am, Kindergarten drop-off is 8am, and there’s going to be a two-month gap where he’s either hanging with me or in various day camps that generally don’t start until 9am. Why is this nervous-making? Because I go to a 7:30am meeting every day, a little late, but I catch most of it. And I’ve been doing that for years. My meeting is in the same category as exercise, sleep, eating right, the four P’s, getting social time, getting alone time. It’s a key ingredient in the recipe of wellbeing. I know that. And in a little over a month, my childcare coverage for weekdays will be going away.

I have options for coverage. But the initial options I can think of are unacceptably sub-optimal. So the next place I go is, “Well life is change and there are a lot of other meetings during the day and you’ll just figure it out.” And I’ve been listening to that, selling myself that me changing my routine is objectively reasonable and anything else is shameful, selfish, and ridiculous. Evie, the evil internal voice, has taken the wheel of my brain.

So the breakthrough was realizing once again, in a different context, how natural it is for me to try to convince myself that something is okay for me when I know it’s not. Switching my routine at this point is not objectively reasonable because I know that meeting, that particular meeting, is helpful to me right now.

Telling myself something is okay when it’s not is not reasonable. Noticing that I have a need and “putting it out there,” that I’d like some better options for morning coverage is reasonable. Taking care of myself first, so I can take care of my family and my community, reasonable. Sucking it up, sacrificing for no one’s benefit, ignoring the truth, not reasonable.

I have needs, I could get by without meeting them. I’ve done it, it’s possible. But the world doesn’t end when I address them instead of ignoring them. In fact, it gets much better. For me and those around me. So I’m going to get back to center and go hit my daily.