When I Grow Up

What am I gonna be when I grow up? It’s birthday season and it’s got me thinking about where I’m at and where I’m going. The gnawing voice of not enough never enough is quieter these days but not non-existent.

The pull to do more or wish for more, better, different flares up from time to time. In those moments or days I struggle with knowing what’s right for me — this me at this time with these people and these priorities.

And then, on a good day, I get into gratitude for how things are and how I am and the feel of my dog on my lap and the marvel that the majority of my body parts do not hurt. I remember that the treatment for Evie my evil inner critic and chronic recurring more-itis is a brisk walk and snack, or sometimes a nap, or sometimes calling another person to see how they are doing.

Perhaps growing up — for me, this me, today — is resisting that persistent desire for busy-ness, prestige, accumulation of outside stuff to feel better on the inside. Then again maybe it’s giving myself a longer leash to pursue larger goals and trusting that I can  pull back if more becomes too much. Or — maybe it’s knowing I don’t need to test my limits to know what they are. Maybe all of the above. I’m gonna keep going.