Sweet Effing Relief
I admitted to my friend Darla that I cried like a baby yesterday. No particular reason other than everything and exhaustion and just feeling in 47 places at once and none of those places being where my feet were.
I went in our little side yard so Ax wouldn’t hear but Mike definitely did and he came out to do or say something loving and I shoed him away, but kindly. From years of therapy I was able to squeak out a, “I love you but I want to be alone, thanks,” before waving him back inside.
“Just deal with Ax I don’t want him to see.” I said, which was silly on so many levels since the kid has seen me cry and get over it before and we agree it’s good for him to know mommy has strong feelings sometimes and it’s okay to show them and have them and then recover. In fact it’s a sweet effing relief. That’s how it works.
But yesterday’s cry was big and I didn’t want to process I just wanted to get it out and I felt weirdly ashamed about being so emotional when, objectively, we have it so good right now. We are healthy, we are safe, we are together. And it’s still so much. It’s a lot.
Darla said, “Yeah, I cried yesterday too. It was cry your eyes out Monday. Didn’t you get the memo?”
And it just kinda cracked us both up.
Oh. Of course, that makes sense: cryyoureyesout Monday. We both started laughing so hard. It is all so bananas. What in the world? Seriously? We’re all doing this now? Like, I just have almost no words.
Almost. And life goes on.
It was teacher appreciation day at zoom school today and as second grade room parent, well, really co-room parent, well, I actually like the sound of Class Parent President, but anyway the point is that in that role I got to coordinate the class gift for our teachers.
We have an awesome class, not only because when it comes to stuff like class gifts everyone seems cool to do whatever I want, which is a big plus, but because the parents are all actually people I’d want to hang out with even if they weren’t my kid’s classmate’s parents.
It’s almost freaky how there is not a dud in the bunch. They are actually cool. And so I miss them, I miss pick up and drop off. I miss live kids’ birthday parties where the parents all stay because we like to hang out with each other. I miss random mom-biz like parent club and fundraiser stuff and meetings where parents get together.
I miss my pre-isolation life. I miss having time alone, really alone, in my home. And I love my family and love that they are here and we are together.
But I was fantasizing about doing an online yoga class and at the end being able to get up and get a green drink from the fridge and sit in the living room without anyone talking to me for like, maybe even 1/2 an hour. I told Mike and he said I should not get too hopeful.
Anyway. I feel better today. It was a little bit frantic Tuesday but I had some realizations and ideas about how to get through the next 24 hours better for me. A) Feeling my feelings and letting them out helped, B) Telling a friend helped, C) Doing something for the teachers helped, D) Remembering all I have to be grateful for helps.
I’m setting my alarm early for tomorrow to get that 1/2 hour of peace before it all starts. I’ve been so tired I’ve been favoring sleep over quiet morning time but I’m going to try getting back to that for a day and see if it helps center me for the day better. And that’s what I can do. I’m gonna keep going.
www.livingeveryminuteofit.com
Love to you and yours.
