Kicking More-itis


Let’s begin: I do enough. I have enough. I am enough. Ok. So I know all that, intellectually. And, in my heart, or maybe belly, or foot, there is still that little speck of, “Well, sure, enough ... BUT ... I could do, have, and be more.” And that BUT is what for many years ran the show, drove me and my life, my relationships, actions, choices.

And that produced certain results that I enjoyed, and certain results that, now I can see, were sub-optimal. One day I had the thought, “If I’m so brilliant why am I so miserable?”

So today I make a different decision on what guides me. The “I could do more, have more, be more” feels more like “I could do different, have different, be different.”  Way less of a big deal.

The pre-rational, wound-driven deciding, that anything, anything, might be a little better than what is in my life and my being has softened. I can enjoy without that cutting judgment, the hamster wheel quality that if I stop striving for a second I’ll be fat, homeless, and alone. Imminently.

So, pick a philosophy, science, or religion, any of them, and there’s gonna be a nugget of help. I can retrain my brain, I can unpack the why’s and realize I’m an adult and can decide to like myself as I am more consistently, I can even pray for self-acceptance, pray to be guided on how to use this quality of mine, to use all of me, for the benefit of others.  There are options. I like options.

I like my life, as it is, and I like myself, as I am, without being more or different or just losing those last five pounds or any of that. So the option I pick, today, is to stay the course, and to treat that mental habit of self-judgment for what it is — a habit worth kicking.

It’s not my friend, not the truth, not the voice of the universe spurring me to greatness. It’s just an old tick, one that will screw up my head and my life, if I let it. I’m gonna keep going.