I’m My Own Hero / Shimmy-less In Ugly Shoes

Dec 12 - Ax

The good thing about when physical pain gets loud is there isn’t a lot of choice about whether or not to change something to feel better. Something’s gotta change.

Options include: ice, heat, pills, rest, movement, activity modification, seeking expert help — PT, OT, acupuncture, chiropractic, massage, surgery, internal systems check, external systems check — car seat, desk, reading chair of choice, default ways of standing, sitting, walking, etc. etc. etc.

Then there’s the whole world of crystals, green juice, apple cider vinegar, vitamin C, sage, CBD oil, healers, shamans, placebos and other inexplicable new, ancient, and obscure modalities that may or may not work for me.

And then, there’s my head. Am I doom and gloom or hopeful? Am I in my power, secure in the knowledge that I am on a path to healing or am I hanging out in despairville, regretville, self-blame and abuse-ville, feeling that I will always feel this way? And that it’s my fault, my body’s fault, and I’m not worthy to feel good in this body as I am in this life, now.

Or thinking that even if I find some temporary relief I will never ever ever get to enjoy jumping around and shimmying on my living room dance floor quite the same way again. And that therefore my life will suck for ever and ever and ever because I’ll be shimmy-less in ugly effing shoes forever!!!! And ever!!!

And this kind of thinking hurts my back. A lot. So I get to control that part, without paying anyone, or with help from pros, it doesn’t matter where I get support as long as I get it. My job is to get help returning to center if and when I need it.

And then I can say, “Hey Back, I’m sorry you are hurting. I have no idea what happened but I am going to take good care of you now and take it easy and let you recover. I believe in you! I believe in us!”

And I can say that after taking a couple of ibuprofen while leaning against an ice pack. And after talking to my rockstar PT sister Rosie who said whatever pain I have it’s not from a herniated disc because this this this and BTW everyone has disc stuff according to some Harvard study and BTW why don’t I try some being gentle and patient with myself instead of running to drastic action and getting all twisted up.

Which hearing her say reminds me, “Oh yeah, less is more, so often, at least until it’s not.” Less, not nothing, but much less than my usual gangbusters everything approach. And more than nothing. Middle.

And I remember — oh yeah — patience, tolerance, kindness, and love, towards everything and everyone including my physical body, is the path I want to walk.

And I can breathe into that and feel safe. I’m enough, I have enough, I do enough, my back is enough. Even now, while I am experiencing these (painful) sensations. I’m my own hero. I’m gonna keep going.

Thank You.

Sascha Liebowitz