YTT launch day minus one

So yoga teacher training starts tomorrow evening and I had to have it out with Evie, my evil inner critic voice, who actually isn’t evil but isn’t on the side of my Big Girl self or my Big Girl life. Evie’s on the side of my Little Girl self. The one who needs safety and security above all else. Above connection with others, above self-expression, above exploration, above joy. It’s like if someone told Evie, “Nothing ventured, nothing gained,” she’d reply, “Nothing ventured, nothing risked. I’m good with that.”

For Evie, the potential downside ALWAYS outweighs the potential upside. That’s why she cannot be in charge. And she really, really, really wants to be in charge. She’s sneaky, and, as you know, vicious. She plays dirty. She says:

“It’s shameful someone your age, your physical inadequacy, your shape, weight, flexibility, your training and education, your background and experience, stay-at-home mom income, wants to prance around in spandex and abandon her family duties.”

She says: “Who do you think you are?”

And I don’t know. I don’t know who I think I am, but I know that I am someone who wants to do this training, someone who gets to do this training, someone whose family supports this training, and someone who is pretty frigging lucky to get to live a Big Life, the one that suits me me, not Evie or anyone else’s idea of what I should be.

A life that can factor in moving towards upsides, towards joy, not just avoiding downsides. A life that can focus on enhancing my relationships with others and with myself and not only on enhancing my arsenal of protective mechanisms, emotional armoring, and constant defense.

What? What have I been defending against so vigorously for so long? I’m letting that go. I’m off defense, I’m off offense, I’m just doing my thing, being me, here, now, and seeing what happens. I’m gonna keep going.