Day 15: Anger, Fear, Sadness, Exhaustion, Gratitude, Hope, Heartbreak, Guilt, Self-Criticism, Dizziness, Nausea, Muscle Aches Happen
Alrighty then. I got some feedback to be where I’m at but where I’m at Me No Likey. Me No Likey. Where I’m at feels like if I got into bed and let one tear fall I’d never get out of bed again. I’d just cry forever and ever except for maybe breaks to eat French fries. That’s the fear.
But I gotta cry, way more than I have, to get through this, is what the experts say. “Feel your feelings and then move on.”
Alternatively I guess I could just keep being a little bit hyper-drive, a little bit extra-sensitive, a little bit hungrier than usual. Peppy yet lethargic. It is the weirdest thing.
So I did what I do and I hosted a ladies dinner last night at the new rental and we went around in a circle sharing where we were at in between the lasagne course and the chocolate brownie course.
It was good to get together without the kids, without the husbands, and just get to tell each other we’re not sleeping, we’re fogging out at work, we’re tearing up randomly during the day, our kids are having nightmares, having accidents, being prickly, clingy, asking tough questions.
We’re fighting with our husbands about dish towels. We’re having odd body aches and pains we never had before. Headaches. Tiredness. Nausea.
And we’re feeling guilty because our child and our husband did not die. We did not die. Our homes are habitable, or gonna be, or we have resources to get a new home if not.
We feel guilty to be this messed up and we are messed up. I know guilt is not useful for anyone, doesn’t help anyone, so I think I actually don’t feel all that guilty about - yes - how affected I am. I feel more — ashamed.
I’m ashamed to be not full of vim and vigor, to be a little fragile, not ready for prime time. I’m ashamed but I’m accepting. I’m affected. I’m gonna keep going.