I’m not in the holiday spirit. I’m disturbed by so much and I just want to bunker and turn all of it off – turn my brain off, turn everything around me off, stop time. The list of things bugging and/or baffling me is very long. I need a nap and I just woke up. Universe! Please grant me the serenity to take a nap. This feeling has been going on for longer than is okay with me. Mike’s tiptoe’ing around trying to simply not be a trigger. “Stop trying to not be a trigger!” I half-cried/half-yelled at him the other day. He just looked at me.
I’ve felt this way before, for long stretches of time, but I had more energy then and I still believed that the path to feeling better was to fix all those things bugging me outside myself. Get new dining room chairs, de-clutter, plant the veggie beds, lose weight, make more money, visit family I’m missing, sue those effers, get cuter shoes, a different house, another baby, more.
Now, for better or worse, I know all that is not the path to feeling the way I want to feel. The path to feeling the way I want to feel is way simpler, yet somehow requires constant vigilance for me, these days. Sleep right, eat right, exercise right, be around the right people, hold on to the right thoughts, and wait for the storm to pass.
Universe! Please help me get through this storm. Please help me rest so I can be of better service to myself and to others during this holiday season. Thank you.
I will keep going.