More Pesky Brain Stuff and Returning to Reality, Again
I had the On It Mom over with her girls the other day for a play date and I told her I was a little bit still holding onto the notion that there could be more, should be more than this SAHM (stay at home mom) thing. That I should be doing more or different. She said, “I think you’re just too in your head. You’re like the best mom ever, you have a ton of friends, you’re the best entertainer, you already do so much at the school and you’re going to be doing more and more once things get going. That’s enough.”
“But don’t you understand how scary it is to be not working and to be dependent and getting older?”
“No,” she said.
And I think she really meant it. I think there might be some people out there who are going about their business un-tortured by the existentially questions of what am I doing here? Why do I exist? Am I fulfilling that? Am I doing what I can to make sure that I am ok and that those I love are ok today and tomorrow? What about that seventh generation? What about Ax when he grows up and we are gone? What about me when the people who take care of me are gone, or the tables flip and I’m taking care of them? What about the planet? The oceans? The earth?
Oh jeez. Reading that it’s like could someone please pass me a knife. But it’s also like, hmmm, perhaps it’s time to get back to center, again. Breathe in and out. Get back to right now, again. Right now is okay, right now is where it’s at. I have a little bit of challenge keeping Cleo off the keyboard as I type, but other than that I have zero problems sitting here:
Ax is watching the Cat in the Hat Christmas special on Netflix, one of his favorites. I have a fresh pot of coffee. The heat wave has passed and it’s cool and cloudy outside. A welcome breeze is hitting me through the open sliding door. I have legs, feet, arms, a whole functioning body. I’m blonde!!! My way of being can tilt a little head-y but I have people in my life who remind me that I’m okay, my life is okay, that what I’m doing is okay.
But I gotta steer my brain in that direction too. I gotta be willing to let go of the wheel, or maybe take the wheel, or whatever, to not go down those rabbit holes so long or so frequently that I miss the real show, the real deal, what’s happening now, for me, this life. I’m going to let go of the lives I could have or think I should have and live in the life that I have. It’s enough, I’m enough, I have enough. We have plenty. Thank you universe for my life. I’m gonna keep going.