Good Morning Evie

Some days I wake up and it feels like it’s time for a new initiative. Like I’ve got to make a major shift, launch a great endeavor, de-clutter everything, learn to bake, get a law job, get a something, that day, asap. For me, about 97.5% of the time when I get that itchy, hyped feeling, it’s simply Evie, my evil inner voice, siren singing that who I am, how I am, and how I live is not good enough, is not even okay. She is wrong. She is just plain wrong.

For a long time, to feel better, to get okay, I would get busier and busier, trying to be more “productive,” to justify my existence, to appease Evie. It did not work. She is unappeasable and insatiable. The more productive I was, the more she required. I know all that, and choose to listen to a different voice these days, when I think about choosing. But Evie is still there, and so sneaky, so subtle.

When there’s a reason I can’t feel better about myself today, without changing anything, it’s Evie. When I imagine my situation is hopeless and unchangeable, it’s Evie. When I have a tiny little inkling of something that might make me smile and then wallop it down with a big bag of rocks, the wallop is Evie.

It’s so ridiculously easy and so excruciatingly difficult to choose a different way. To open up to letting things be as good as they can be, as good as they are, as they are. As I am. Breathing helps quite a bit. Slowing down helps quite a bit. Like really slowing down.

Like sometimes I take that list of things to do and realize that everything on it that’s not breakfast, lunch, dinner, and breathing can just wait another day. And then the next day sometimes the things that seemed so vitally important to the trajectory of everything, or so burdensome, are much lighter. Sometimes they’re not but I am.

Universe – Please help me today, show me the way of patience, tolerance, kindness, and love to myself and to others. Help me be willing to let things be as good as they can be, as good as they are. Thank you for my life.