Which Wolf Do I Feed?

It’s all well and good to say I’m going to enjoy my life and I’m going to keep breathing deeply in and out and I’m going to be patient, tolerant, kind, and loving to everyone around me, as much as I can, as much as I really can, and when I’m not I’m going to apologize sincerely and keep my channel super-clear – that path of mine is going to be shiny and guilt-free, lint-free, crap-free, ultra-conscious. But then it’s like, oh man I forgot I’m human, I screw up, I fall off the path, I might spend entire days on the wrong note. I’ve spent years singing songs and dancing dances I wouldn’t have sung or danced if I’d checked in, really checked in, with my deeper self or whatever you want to call it—the conscious wolf inside as opposed to the sleepwalker wolf.

So then what? What about that itch, that temptation, that second thought, or first impulse that seems so inviting? Yes! I’m in! And then the anxiety, the tummy troubles, the small hints of feeling not okay crop up. And there’s the choice – plow forward, double down, man up, or change course – ooops, whoops, no, not that after all. I’m out. So sorry, thanks so much for the offer, the opportunity, the invitation, but no thanks. No thanks.

My sleepwalker wolf is freaking strong and loud and cunning. Meaning she hangs around and gives me what almost feels like love but isn’t. She gives me the promise of bliss – like if I just do this thing mo better, mo right, mo, mo, mo, then – then I will breathe the breath of the anointed one, of the sacred lioness queen of life. Then I will feel good. I will be good, then. But there’s always mo. I know that with all my heart. There is no summit. It’s never good enough. It’s endless.

The conscious wolf, she is quiet. She’s skinny and physically weak from munching on scraps that get tossed her way when I’m desperate. But she hangs around. She is innately the more powerful one, I see that now. She doesn’t beg or clamber or manipulate. She just stays and waits and accepts how things are.

She’s content, she doesn’t need anything to be different from how it is to know that she has a purpose, and her job is to do what it takes to stay alive and let it reveal and unfold. I guess she’s watching over me. Maybe I’ll give her a bit more love and perhaps some food and see what happens.