Made a Decision

So, the first time I heard the third step prayer I really thought “Ok, everyone’s just turned into aliens.” Yesterday I found myself repeating it over and over again and it actually helped. Here it is:             “Gd, I offer myself to thee, to build with me and to do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them shall bear witness to those I would help of thy power, thy love, and thy way of life. May I do thy will always, Amen.”

So, it’s a little bit of an I give up on running the show kind of thing. I’m no longer the command center/control tower/hostess with the most-ess of my life, and definitely not those things for other people – even my kid and my husband.

And I’m used to running the show so much that I don’t even realize I’m running the show a lot of the time, like a fish doesn’t notice the water. It’s well-intentioned, a lot of the time. I’m trying to make things better for other people, trying to make things better for myself. And the trying to make things better makes things worse sometimes. I gotta just leave it alone and let things unfold as they will. Stick to my part.

It’s a big mental leap, and I’m kind of in the middle of it. I can hear the words of people I respect saying “Let Go and Let Gd,” but I don’t really understand what they mean. Not really. I don’t understand which parts are mine to work, like bathing, getting dressed, getting food, working what there is to be worked, and which parts are for the Universe – Gd if you want to call it/him/her that.

Anyway, so the third step prayer. It’s super-weird sounding I think with all those thee’s and thy’s and bondage of self’s and stuff. But the essence is pretty good, and somehow being willing to just say it the way it’s written is a little mini-exercise in willingness to try something different just because someone else recommended it.

So I said the third step prayer yesterday, over and over, like while I was driving, and it did help keep me where I wanted to be – soft, loving, open, non-defensive, enjoying what there was to be enjoyed. There’s so much life happening sometimes, and especially these days, and I want to live all of it and not get caught up managing all of it. It’s happening.