The Vexing Challenge: Prioritizing Peace
The vexing challenge is that I don’t want anything to change. I mean, I don’t want anything to change unless it’s something I want to change. Then it would be okay, even good, for the change to happen, unless I didn’t like it so much. Then I’d want the change I’d originally wanted to change again. You get it. So it’s really very clear for me: I want what I want, how I want it, when I want it, and nothing different from that, ever. But the other thing that’s very clear for me, and wasn’t always so clear, is that even more than wanting what I want, I want to feel good, peaceful, serene, non-agitated, whatever you call it, in the flow, okay with what is, happy.
And to get the latter, I need to relax a little about the former. Wanting to have things be a certain way takes me away from the thing I want most of all. That thing, that state exists, even for me, even when confronted with a vexing challenge.
I got way off center the other night and stuck deep in a groove of strategizing and fear. I woke up tired and jangly but the good part is I knew I had to get on it. Not get on it like pursuing the external outcome I wanted, but get on it like getting back to center get on it. I called friends who get it, I talked to Mike, I took a quick walk on the beach, I went somewhere spiritual-y and meditated til I’m pretty sure it was napping.
Then I went and churned out the administrative actions appropriate to the situation. I did not take up arms, I did not binge-watch anything, I did not buy a new sofa. I finished my work easily and then took a friend to the airport, took care of Ax, took care of summer mom business.
Since what I want more than anything is to feel at peace I’m trying to feel less shame around the fact that yes, I spend a decent amount of my time and energy focused on that. Evie would prefer I be a world-beater badass go-getter, not a half-assed mommy blogger whose late night ends at 9. She’d prefer a lot of things.
Maybe she’ll prioritize peace someday too. Someday is way too late for me. I’m getting mine now.