Knit Caps, Muffins, Bright Yellow Balls
I don’t want to write today because I am sad and I feel like I’ve been writing sad for a few days now and getting fewer and fewer “likes” and even though I’m not in it for the likes it’s tough to keep going. I don’t like myself sad. I’d rather be inspiring, or at least provocative, or interesting, but these days I feel like I’m just a yucky down downer. The only thing worse than being a yucky down downer is being a fake and a phony. So I’m not gonna sugarcoat dish out some cute Ax story today. Though that stuff is true it's not the headline. I’m not going to be a phony and bury the lead. The lead is: I don’t know how to dive when the waves get big. Or maybe I do but I’m scared to try. So there’s a big wave upon me – a thing that is happening that feels big to me – and I’m getting smacked around. I have enough consciousness to know it. And it sucks. A lot.
A friend of mine suggested I’d feel better if I started a business selling knit caps made by people from countries that need real help. She is probably right. I could distract myself with so many things until I die. Knit caps, muffins, tennis. But there’s this wave coming at me today and I think I need to dive into that rather than run to other stuff. I think.
I have everything I want on my plate as it is. I don’t want new stuff I just want this thing to not interfere with what I already have. I want to eat what’s on my plate right now in peace, undisturbed, and not go for seconds or fill up with new stuff. I want to keep going. It literally hurts sometimes to simply stay the course.
No new business, no big transactions, no cannon balls. Clean house, pay bills, love family, love friends, tend body, mind, spirit as best I can. Dive through the waves knowing they will pass. It’s a plenty big list. It’s enough for me right now. Ok, I’m gonna keep going. Thanks for listening.