Only As Directed

So my friend Annabelle and her 90-something mom Judy and I are having lunch at the udon place and I mention that just before I arrived I did something to my back and it really hurt. Judy reaches into her jacket pocket and pulls out this beautiful little enameled box, opens it, and presents the contents to me like she’s offering up a breath mint, or box of precious gems for inspection. “Would you like a Percocet?” she says. I giggle, and pat her extended arm, “No thank you, Judy.” And I’m giggling because I had just the other day figured out/remembered that a kind of salient part of what sent me over the edge, a not insignificant data point in my story of graduating from run-of-the-mill high-functioning yet somewhat tortured evening/weekend self-medicate-r to I-never-want-to-feel-anything-ever, wonky-headed, mostly out-of-it all-the-time person was prescription Percocet, which I started taking for this really gnarly infection and subsequent surgical intervention after Ax was born.

And hey, I needed it back then. I was in excruciating, constant, vomit-making pain. And I needed a lot of it. Or as my surgeon said, “You have the tolerance of an elephant. I wouldn’t believe it if my husband weren’t the same way.” And I really did. I really did hurt like a mofo the second that stuff wore off, which now I remember was about half an hour before I allowed myself to have the next one. Take only as directed. I was really, really nervous about becoming addicted to the stuff. So I took it only as directed and then as I recovered I stopped taking it and it wasn’t that big a deal.

But I think part of why getting off Percocet wasn’t such a big deal is I switched pretty quickly to “medical” marijuana and alcohol. And that ate up a decent amount of my life. So no, no thanks, no Percocet for my hurting back, but I’ll definitely hunt down some ibuprofen and perhaps a hot bath. That’s good for me right now. I want to live my life. And I get to be part of a whole community I never knew about that helps me get through what needs to be gotten through and helps me celebrate what needs to be celebrated. And I get to help them and be around being me, enjoying that, and enjoying other people. It’s fantastic.