I know comparison is the thief of joy but I still do it. A lot. I do it as a means to see if I’m okay the way I am. Like looking at the world through, “Am I ok?” glasses. And I’m not talking about comparing myself to people who have no clean running water or people who have to work three jobs to afford breakfast cereal for their kids. I’m talking about comparing myself to the people who have more stuff, more money, more blonde highlights, more matching lululemon outfits, more real estate, more than I do.
If I look at someone who’s not in a good place with comparison eyes, usually it will be to quickly and perfunctorily beat myself for not being grateful. The real chewing insidious comparison mulling spinning brainwork is with folks who have something, have accomplished something, that maybe looks on some level appealing or looks like something I once upon a time wanted or wanted to want, or maybe still even do want.
There’s been an odd kind of shift lately though. Lately, at the end of my “Am I ok?” comparison loop spin I usually wind up at, “Yes, I am okay the way I am, and so are they.”
That's a big shift. I’ve spent a lifetime of feeling not okay, of doing a lot of things to prove, to armor, to hide. I’m more interested now in what happens if I let myself live as I am, according to my values and ambitions. I’m willing to bear the consequences of that in a way that I haven’t been before. I have more faith that whatever results I can deal with it then. And what results might even be okay. It might be wonderful.
So the comparison thing’s gotta stop. It’s a drain and a distraction that doesn’t put me closer to how I want to feel or where I want to go.
And yet I have some urge these days to get more refined on what I’m doing here. I’m thinking about taking a page out of Mike’s consulting playbook – the five questions: “What business am I in today? Where am I going? What guides my day-to-day actions? How am I doing? What am I doing to make things better?”
Yeah. If I need to compare, which seems to be the case, then measuring myself against my own goals and beliefs might be a more fruitful way to check in and make sure I’m living my life, as me, in my me-ness, as much as possible. Full me, easy, nothing-to-prove, just going for it me, true me. More that.