Getting Deliberate On It

Sometimes I like to think that I am a generous person, and people have even called me generous and it gives me a peculiar feeling. Like maybe I’m a sucker? Or a pleaser? Of course it’s not sucker or pleaser to be generous if it’s my choice, coming from an authentic desire to be giving. I’ve got so much noise in my head around this stuff though that the authentic desire thing is not always apparent. That Evie inner voice of fear and doom moves in so fast and so loud I don’t even notice that other voice, the quiet one that wants to show love and be loved so badly. So I’ve gotta get deliberate on it and think about how I want to be, how I am, moment-to-moment, situation-to-situation.

And what’s the flip of being generous? Being withholding? Withholding doesn’t seem so bada-s, it sounds scared. Scared of the vulnerability that comes from being kind and generous. Willing to give, willing to receive, willing to connect, willing to care. That all sounds so easy, so natural, so lovely: Give, receive, connect, ahhhh. But it’s not, at least not for me. I gotta work it.

Melody, a friend of mine who is not woo woo but is from Texas told me once, “You’ll never regret being even more generous to someone you love.”

But even with Mike who is very generous with me, even with him it can take some effort for me to let him do what he needs to do to thrive, to just be himself, and not only tolerate it but enthusiastically cheer for it, without sarcasm or the little twist of letting him know it’s not my first choice. To honestly say, “Yes honey, go on a multi-day road trip to see the Dead and Company and have a yourself a mighty fine time.” Or, “Yes, I would love to try that bean and chipotle stew,” and smile with love eyes rather than wrinkle my nose.

And Melody was talking about money, specifically. Specifically that when she’d been earning and her dude wasn’t she thought she was generous by giving him money whenever he asked and not making too too big a deal over what he was spending it on.

But then when the situation reversed and he became the breadwinner the way he dealt with it was way more generous. Not more money necessarily but more flow, more magnanimity. Like please, take this and enjoy it. If you ask for x, I’ll give you x-plus. Or I’ll offer you x-plus so you don’t even have to ask. She said, “I felt so bad for how I’d been. I thought I was being so generous by just not complaining.”

So today I’m going to be as generous as I wanna be to other people and to myself. I’m going to look at people with love eyes, especially the people who do things that annoy me, and see how it goes. I’ve got nothing to lose. I’m bada-s.