More Breathing Indicated

Today I’m going to let go of everything I’m efforting to hold and see what happens.  I’m letting go of trying to be good.  Letting go of trying, in general.

I’m breathing — my plan is to breathe — deeply, in.

And out.  All the way.  More than once. 

In.

And out.

Like maybe five whole times until my calf muscles release, my toes melt, my jaw relaxes so my mouth flops open and my eyelids droop.  I’ll just relax my belly, my whole face, and all the other parts, my hips, quads, glutes, shoulders.  Relax all those parts, at the same time.

And keep breathing, at the same time.  While relaxing all those parts.

Five times.

You might want to give it a whirl too.

By time number two I want to re-clench.  By time number three my brain starts to race about how that’s “good enough” I’ve proven I can relax and there’s no point to going on.

I don’t think I’ve ever let myself make it to five on my own.

That’s why I go to yoga class, at the spiritual-y place, not the aerobics-y place.  Because if left to my own devices I don’t let myself feel what it feels like to let go of my body completely.  Not for five whole breaths.  It seems like a lot. 

So no wonder I’m still holding on to old ideas about how I should be, how you should be, how the world should be.  If I can’t let my physical self just be, this skin-wrapped stack of bones and organs and blood I’m leasing for this life, then of course I’m not going to be able to let my thoughts just be, and move on, my feelings just be, and move on. 

And your feelings? Your actions? Fuggedaboutit.  If I can’t be with myself, as I am, it’s going to be a little tough to be with others, as they are.  And I prefer to feel easy with myself, and easy with others. 

More breathing is indicated.  I’m gonna keep going.

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